There is an energetic wrenching or pulling that takes place when a loved one dies. No matter how you put it when a blood tie goes, something changes in the universe – your universe. When that blood tie is your mother it’s like the center has shifted and you have to find your barring – a new normal I guess.
Breathing Feels Different Now…
I kind of feel like an orphan now that I don’t have a mother or father living.
I’m sure you can’t be considered an orphan at middle-age, but that’s how I feel. It’s a hollow feeling. It feels like something has happened to me. It feels like a part of me is not here. It feels like some energy has been withdrawn from the universe and I can’t breathe the same. It’s like the air is different. I’ll never be able to breathe exactly the same.
I’m just 7 days away from my mother dying and I already know that making it through the funeral was just the beginning of “making it through this”. I guess I kind of feel like I just want to be able to breathe normally again.
The Dead Don’t Just Die
In some aspects I feel closer to her than I have since I moved away. I feel like I can talk to her and she might be listening. She was always listening, even when I thought she wasn’t. She’d say something wise or profound a month later about my situation or just life in general and then you’d know everything was going to be okay.
I kind of think I need to start another blog just about my mother, so that the necessary healing can occur. I’m sure I’ll be finding pockets of grief for some time. It’s been more than 15 years since my brother died and more than 10 since my father died and I still remember them. The dead don’t just die, you keep them alive in your memory and your heart. My mother’s dying feels different through. I can’t quite describe why, but I know I’ve never felt like this before. I’m trying to identify and classify it, but it’s hard.
I just keep thinking…as long as I keep on living…loved ones are going to keep on dying. Death is a part of life. That reminds me of the very old man in The Green Mile.
Compassion for Others Starts With Remembering How You Felt
I want to remember how I feel right now, even though I can’t really describe it adequately. I want to remember so when other’s lose their mothers I will remember that energetic wrenching and breaking of the mother/child bond or cord and how strange it feels.
Yes, I’ll start another blog about my mother…this feels like a very deep rabbit hole that I’ve fallen into that I now have to crawl my way out of…but I’m looking forward to the growth and spiritual maturity that CAN occur if I really work on it.